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Chuckles of the Day

Corporate Speak Explained in Layman’s Terms

What We Say: What It Means:

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join our Fast-paced Team: We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up well.

Must be Deadline Oriented: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must have a Eye for Detail: We have no quality control whatsoever.

Career Minded: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in Person: If you’re old, fat, or ugly you might be told the position has been filled.

No Phone Calls Please: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem Solving Skills a Must: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires Team Leadership Skills: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

* * * * * * *

Salary Increase Request – Coded Letters

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately to $urvive and thrive. I think you $hould under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport, including $weat and $ervice to this $uper company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely, $teven Norton$son.


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear Mr. NOrtonsson,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the media is reporting that the world’s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly, General Manager NOrman CaNOtski

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